Your halls are decked and the night is silent. Okay, let's pretend anyway. The truth is you need a break from all this Christmas uproar. And what better place than here at the Mad Dog Weekly...

Holiday Columns · Create-an-Xmas-newsletter 
Let's Put the X Back in Xmas · Crass Commercialism

gr_bulb.gif (1030 bytes)Columns

Holiday Gift Guide 2006
You really wanted to give your loved ones peace on earth and goodwill towards men this year but, wouldn’t you know it, Neiman Marcus went and featured a trip into space for six — at a cost of only $1.7 million — in their Christmas catalog instead. Not to worry. I'm here to help you keep from giving everyone yet another Old Spice Gift set. Just sit back, chug some eggnog, and after you're finished getting sick, lets get started.


A Last Minute Holiday Gift Guide
It’s time once again to settle in front of a roaring fire, munch on roasted chestnuts, and dump the eggnog down the drain so you can chug the rum straight. That’s right, it’s time to make out your holiday gift list. And since you don't want to worry about it, I will. Here are this year's late-breaking holiday gift suggestions. Go ahead, put the "X" back in Xmas.


Christmas Gift Guide 2004
If you’re anything like me, and for your sake I hope the resemblance is purely superficial, you haven’t made out your Christmas list yet. Okay, you haven’t even thought about it. But there’s no need to panic, I’m here to make your life easy. Whether you want a fish stick with an image of Jesus on it, an exploding cell phone (a real laff riot!), or synthetic urine, you've come to the right place.


Mad Dog's Budget Holiday Gift Guide
In spite of what Someone keeps telling us, the economy is tight this year. This means we need to buy gifts on a budget. But don't despair, you can still afford a glowing fish, a well-endowed fossil, a highly sexed worm, or a 10-cent metal sculpture of a president.


Thank God Christmas Only Comes Once a Year
The past year has been amazingly busy here in the Dog household. The body cast will be coming off soon, Brian apologized for misspelling "Mom" on my new tattoo, and the I.R.S. dropped the tax evasion charges when they came to the house and agreed that I couldn't possibly have made any money last year. But look on the bright side, at least I can still send out this Christmas newsletter!


It's Not The Gift That Counts, It's...Okay, It's The Gift
Just in case Santa's elves are too busy auditioning for Under The Rainbow-2 to help with your Christmas shopping, here are a few gift suggestions. Well, providing you have people on your list who would like a bondage Barbie, a crying baby translator, an ad on a police car, or a roll of wart-removing duct tape. And after all, who doesn't?


I'm Beginning to Shop a Lot Like Christmas
Christmas is going to be different this year. Not just because the outside of every house will be decorated in red, white, and blue bulbs. Or that you'll  have to explain to the kids that Santa’s beard is white because he’s old, not because it’s covered in anthrax. No, this year will be different because when you splurge on gifts you won’t have to feel guilty. In fact you’ll feel downright good knowing that you’re not only bringing a smile to people’s faces, but ’ll also helping the economy and doing your part to win the war on terrorism. Now if you only knew what to buy....


'Tis Better to Give, Especially If You're Giving These
There comes a time during the holiday season when we have to look past the glittery tinsel, the sparkling lights, and the 1,456,975th bad rendition of “The Little Drummer Boy” and remind ourselves what Christmas is all about: gifts. That's why I’ve put together a few gift suggestions, each one perfect for the person who wishes they had everything.


I'm Dreaming of a White Rice Christmas
Christmas in Bali 2000
It’s a couple of days before Christmas and there’s little question it’s going to be a non-event. What do you expect on a Hindu island in a Muslim country? Of course we can always hope that Santa will drop off some hot Balinese woman who doesn’t want an instant family or a green card, but the truth is I’d have a better chance of running into Richard Simmons, Jr. sarong shopping on Jalan Raya.


Holiday Gift Suggestions for the New Millennium™  
If you’re like me and haven’t even thought about making a list, better yet gotten around to checking it twice, here are a few gift suggestions which may help ensure that you and your family don’t end up on the Fox Network’s Christmas special, "America’s Best Holiday Massacres Caught on Tape."


All I Want for Christmas
Everyone’s getting into the Christmas spirit, and it’s about time, don’t you think? After all, the displays have been in the stores since Labor Day, you woke up this morning with the realization that Christmas also spells "trims cash", and everyone including that guy behind the counter at the 7-11 is wishing you a happy holiday. Right. Like you’re actually going to leave him a tip for ringing up that Breakfast Big Bite and the large Peanut Butter and Jelly Slurpee. I mean, it’s not as if he sold you a Furby or anything.


Christmas in the '90s
What we really need is a good updating of the classics. Something traditional, yet something we can relate to in this digital age. That's why, in the spirit of Christmas giving, I hereby give and bequeath these 90's movie concepts to Hollywood, the world, and especially to you, the loyal reader sitting in your La-Z-Boy recliner with remote in hand and popcorn ball in your mouth.


Holiday Gift Ideas
While you were busy decking the halls, nogging your egg, and trimming the tree (then cleaning up the branches you trimmed off), I was scouring the four corners of the earth looking for gift ideas, not an easy task when you realize that the world is round and, if I remember my geometry half as well as I wish I did, that means it can only have one corner. The left one. What I’m getting at is that even though I missed three corners of the earth I’ve managed to uncover gifts that, should you choose to give them, will make you the belle of the Christmas ball.


red_bulb.gif (1042 bytes)Create-an-Xmas-Newsletter

Admit it. You've always wanted to send out a family newsletter at Christmas.  Maybe it was so you could keep your friends up to date.  Perhaps it was to save money on long distance phone calls. But most likely it was because you wanted to avenge those people who keep sending you their insipid newsletters even though you return them year after year marked "Died--Left No Forwarding Address". Now all you have to do is complete a few simple questions and --voila!-- we do the rest!
Go ahead, it's free!


gr_bulb.gif (1030 bytes)Let's Put The X Back in Xmas

As seen on Great Things About the HolidaysThat was the official motto of Richmond, Virginia's Tacky Xmas Decoration Contest and Grand Highly Illuminated House Tour which Mad Dog started. Although he's long departed, the spirit continues. Read about the tour, the legacy, and the outrageously decorated houses around the country. It sure beats watching It's a Wonderful Life for the 428th time this season and still rooting for him to jump.
Go ahead and get tacky


red_bulb.gif (1042 bytes)Crass Commercialism

What would Christmas be without a bit of blatant self-promotion, completely crass commercialism, and a sales pitch? Why it would be St. Patrick's Day, only without the yummy green beer and bagels. So hold onto your wallet while you think about all the people you know who would love these two books by and including Mad Dog.


1. Skywriting at Night, a novel.


2. If It's Such a Small World Then Why Have I Been Sitting On This Airplane For Twelve Hours?, a compilation of 53 humorous travel columns. 


3. HumorUs, a compilation of humor columns from nine writers, and as you already guessed, five of the columns are by our very own Mad Dog.


4. Stand Tall, the autobiography of Dr. Isaiah "Ike" McKinnon, former chief of police of Detroit (co-written by Mad Dog).

There, that was relatively painless, now wasn't it?